Californication
Episode 102 “Hell-A Woman”
Written by Tom Kapinos
Directed by Scott Winant
FINAL DRAFT 6.14.07
FADE IN:
1 EXT. MAIN ST. - DAY 1
A familiar dirty black Porsche cruises down Main St. in Venice... a charmingly bedraggled HANK MOODY at the wheel. He stops at the light where Main meets Rose. He stares up the giant ballerina clown atop the building there, contemplative. He feels a hand on his thigh. He looks -- Karen is next to him. Smiling. The ray of sunshine to his dark cloud.
Karen: What are you thinking about?
Hank: How much I absolutely fucking loathe this city.
Karen: Just as I was thinking about how much I absolutely love it.
Hank: Meanwhile, I haven’t written a goddamn word since we got here.
Karen: Relax. Blame it on the weather.
Hank: That’s how it starts: with the weather. Then, before you know it, you’re smoking the Hollywood crack pipe and sucking dick to support your habit.
Karen: Well, at least you’re not being dramatic about it.
Hank: What can I say? I miss New York.
Karen: And I miss you. Because you’re still there. In that big, thick head of yours. Come back to us, Hank. Your girls miss you...
(CONTINUED)
She smiles. Which makes it impossible for Hank not to kiss her. A car horn HONKS, napalming the moment. Hank is yanked from his reverie. He’s alone in the car. He looks -- sees a gorgeous California blonde in the convertible next to him. Smiling. The postcard-worthy promise of a better day. She’s been watching, bemused.
The Blonde: Who are you talking to?
Hank: Sorry. Professional hazard.
The Blonde: What do you do?
Hank: Me? I’m a writer. Non-practicing. *
The Blonde: Who isn’t? Here, maybe you could * read something of mine.
She flies a paper airplane into his car. Zips off. Hank unfolds the paper: “CALL ME.” Followed by a phone number. Hank smiles, shakes his head. As he drives off, we cut to MAIN TITLES.
2 EXT./INT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - DAY 2
Hank pulls up in front of the cover of Dwell magazine. Today is a day he would very much prefer to honk the horn, but he decides to suck it up and ring the doorbell. And so he does, bracing himself for the very real possibility that a certain comely 16-year-old might answer. The door opens, revealing not Mia but her sire, BILL, an annoyingly handsome and seemingly decent fellow who also just happens to be Hank’s nemesis.
Bill: Hank.
Hank: Bob.
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 2.
1 CONTINUED: 1
(CONTINUED)
Bill: Bill.
Hank: Really?
Bill: Becca doesn’t want to see you.
Hank: Are you looking for a cock punch? Let me talk to her.
Bill: Hank, trust me, as the father of a teenage daughter, just give her some space. She’ll come around.
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2 CONTINUED: 2
(CONTINUED)
Hank shakes his head, starts to walk away, turns back. Walks past Bill, into the house...
Hank: You know... Bill, is it?
Bill: Yep -- still Bill.
Hank: I appreciate the parenting advice, but maybe -- just maybe -- it’s not such a great idea to give your kid too much space. Maybe too much space is what gets them in trouble.
Bill: Hank. Please. My daughter is sixteen. She’s an angel. Clearly, I’m doing something right.
Hank: You poor bastard.
Bill: Excuse me?
Hank: Homo says what?
Bill: What?
Hank: Gotcha.
Bill is stunned by the inanity of it all. Hank notices a recently unpacked painting leaning somewhere nearby. It’s hideous -- absurdly expensive and completely pretentious.
Hank: What the fuck is that?
Bill: What do you think? I could’ve bought a new car instead.
Hank: I think you should still buy the car. And run over whoever painted this. It’s fucking hideous. H.I.D. Positive.
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2 CONTINUED: 2
(CONTINUED)
Karen appears.
Karen: Everything okay out here, boys?
Bill: It’s all good.
Hank: “It’s all good”? Really? Not exactly the King’s English there, fella.
Hank moves in to give Karen a kiss hello. As is his wont. But Karen dodges the kiss. As is her wont. Bill, in turn, kisses Karen, eyeballing Hank the whole time.
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2 CONTINUED: 2
(CONTINUED)
Becca appears. Deadpans Hank.
Becca: I still hate you.
Hank: Naturally.
Becca: But I do want to see your movie.
Hank: My book. Not my movie.
Becca: Not my problem. I like your movie.
Hank: How is that even possible?
Becca: Because it proves you’re not the asshole they say you are.
Hank holds out his palm. Becca produces a dollar bill. Which Hank quickly pockets.
Hank: Now who says I’m an asshole?
An awkward moment as looks are exchanged. Becca deadpans. Hank is forced to give her the dollar back. Hank starts to lead Becca away, but Karen interjects:
Karen: (To Hank.) Hey, can we swap nights this weekend? We’re having some people over on Saturday and we’d love Becca to be there.
Becca: Uncle Charlie and Aunt Marcy.
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2 CONTINUED: 2
(CONTINUED)
Karen: (Sighs.) Thank you, sweetie.
Becca: Dad should come. They’re his friends too, you know. And Uncle Charlie’s his agent. Maybe he has an offer for him.
Karen and Bill exchange looks. Much to Hank’s amusement. Bill, nothing if not a decent guy, summons the decency:
Bill: You’re welcome to come, Hank.
Karen: Absolutely. Bring a date.
Hank: (To Becca.) Earbuds.
Becca dutifully inserts the earbuds, cranks her iPod.
Hank: (To Karen.) First of all, you could never handle me hitting it off with someone right in front of you.
Karen: I’ll do my best.
Hank: I guess this means the answer is no. You’re not going to marry me. I have to say -- I’m disappointed.
Bill: Hank, I’m standing right here.
Karen: Did you ever stop and think that it might be nice for Becca to see us all getting along for a change?
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 5.
2 CONTINUED: 2
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Hey, it’d be nice if I could fellate myself while farting the White Album, but I haven’t quite mastered that yet either.
Becca removes her earbuds, looks at Karen.
Becca: Is he coming?
All eyes on Hank.
Hank: Absolutely. What can I bring?
3 OMITTED 3
4 INT. CHARLIE’S OFFICE - DAY 4
Outside Charlie’s office, his assistant, DANI, answers calls. She’s quiet, fragile and oddly beautiful. Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Secretary” meets a pierced, tattooed Suicide Girl.
Dani: Charlie Runkle’s office. He’s in a meeting. We’ll try you back....
WE MOVE INSIDE... ...and find Hank reclined on the sofa as Charlie finishes up a call and answers an e-mail.
Hank: Your assistant makes me want to touch myself in a bad place.
Charlie: That’s nice -- because my assistant makes we want to hang myself.
Hank: While masturbating?
Charlie: Are you retarded or something?
Hank: Funky tat on the small of the back. You know what that means. (Off his look.) She likes it in the pooper.
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2 CONTINUED: 2
(CONTINUED)
Charlie: Really?
Hank: I have no idea. I just wanted to say pooper. But I have found the back-tat to be a watermark of the promiscuous.
Charlie: Good for you. Doesn’t change the fact that she’s the world’s worst assistant. Drops calls, loses manuscripts -- she can’t even get my fucking macchiato right.
Hank: But she does seem to have a nipple ring. Quite possibly two. Seriously -- something very cool is going on in that area.
Charlie: Enough already. Move on. How’s the book coming?
Hank: Now there’s a hostile question.
Charlie: Hank. You’ve owed a book to your publisher since Becca was breastfeeding. I remember because I liked to watch Karen do that.
Hank: You’re supposed to be my agent -- I need your encouragement, support, nurturing. Not some creepy comment about your lactating-lady fetish.
Charlie: You need a fucking job.
Hank: Okay. What do you got for me?
Charlie: Shhh. Listen. You hear that?
Hank: What?
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 7.
4 CONTINUED: 4
(CONTINUED)
Charlie: That’s the sound of the phone not ringing for you, Hank. You have burned every bridge I built for you with my bare hands. Except, of course --
Hank: -- Don’t say it. Don’t you say it.
Charlie: Hell-A magazine. They still want you to blog for them. Just take the fucking meeting already.
Dani walks in with a grande something from Starbucks and a pile of manuscripts. Charlie drinks, curses.
Hank: Let’s ask Dani California. (To Dani.) Hell-A magazine. Thoughts?
Dani: You’d be perfect for them.
Hank: Nipple ring? (Off her nod.) Two? (Another nod) Anywhere else?
She smiles, walks out. Hank gives Charlie a knowing look.
Hank: Nose ring too. You know what means.
Charlie What? She likes it in the nose?
Hank: What does that even mean? Are you retarded or something?
5 INT. MARAT - NIGHT 5
Where Hank is in the midst of many drinks with NORA, the very cool, very sexy editor of Hell-A magazine.
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4 CONTINUED: 4
(CONTINUED)
Nora: You’re still a great writer, Hank.
Hank: You say it like there was doubt.
Nora: There was doubt.
Hank: Cheers. Thank you.
Nora: Look around. L.A. needs you. Now more than ever. Your voice is a shotgun blast to all the pretentious fucks polluting this once-great city of yours.
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5 CONTINUED: 5
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Once-great? Really? And just so you know, it sure as hell ain’t mine.
Nora: Use the blog, Hank. Channel your rage. You’re a dying breed. A real writer. A real man. With heart, balls and swagger. Not some fucking pansy-ass metrosexual.
Hank: Look, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but the truth is... I’ve got nothing to say. I’m between books at the moment --
Nora: -- Yes, Hank, when is “Chinese Democracy” going to be finished?
Hank: Fuck you very much.
Nora digs into her purse. Produces a business card.
Nora: Think about it.
Hank: Hey, where ya going? I’m the last of a dying breed. A real writer. A real man. Heart, balls and swagger, remember?
Nora: You’re cute, Hank. I totally get the whole cocksman thing --
Hank: -- Cocksman? That’s my thing? Sounds kinda gay.
Nora: A charming rogue then.
Hank: Better.
Nora: A rake, if you will.
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5 CONTINUED: 5
(CONTINUED)
Hank: No, that’s a garden tool.
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 9A.
5 CONTINUED: 5
(CONTINUED)
Nora: Hemingway. Before he became such a fucking pussy.
Hank: Ooohh. Papa Chubby.
Nora: Shame I’m in a relationship then.
Hank: Damn. I wish you hadn’t told me that. Now that I know you’re unavailable to me, I’m going to fall truly, madly, deeply in love with you.
Nora: Then I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m a sucker for wellcrafted prose. Write me something. Because who knows where those words will take you...?
Nora leaves Hank all horned-up with no place to go. He slips the card in his pocket, feels something else in there. Pulls out the paper with the blonde’s number on it.
6 INT. A CONDO SOMEWHERE - NIGHT 6
Hank and The Blonde kiss and tear clothes off as they make their way towards the bed...
The Blonde: What do you think?
Hank: Very little of substance.
The Blonde: Come on. My tits. Seriously.
Hank: I don’t know... they look pretty fucking groovy to me.
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5 CONTINUED: 5
(CONTINUED)
The Blonde: They’re too small, aren’t they? I’m gonna have them done.
Hank: Are you kidding me?! They’re practically perfect in every way.
The Blonde: What about my lips?
Hank kisses her.
Hank: Highly kissable.
The Blonde: Not those, silly.
She looks down. Hank follows her gaze.
Hank: Oh. What about them?
The Blonde: Do you think they’re too flappy?
Hank: Flappy?
The Blonde: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about getting them fixed.
Hank: Fixed?
The Blonde: Vaginal rejuvenation. Get them trimmed a little. So they don’t hang down like day-old deli meat.
Hank: I think I just lost my manhood.
The Blonde: Well, let me help you find it.
She proceeds to go down on him. Sucking and slurping like a vacuum cleaner on steroids. Gagging and spitting with glee.
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 11.
6 CONTINUED: 6
(CONTINUED)
As Hank’s eyes adjust to the apartment, he notices a collection of porn DVD’s. He picks one up. It’s a parody of his own movie: “Crazy Little Thing Called Anal”. Then he realizes that the girl blowing him is the same as the one on the box. Pretty much the same angle and everything.
Hank: Hey, this is you.
The Blonde: Yeah, I thought you recognized me.
Hank: Not a big porn guy, actually.
All of a sudden, there’s the sound of a KID CRYING from a BABY MONITOR. Followed by a “Mommy” ! or two. Hank freezes.
Hank: Who might that be?
The Blonde: That would be my daughter.
Hank: Oh. Do you need to...?
The Blonde: Nah, she’ll quiet down in a minute.
Mommy’s gotta get laid sometime. But the kid continues to cry. Overcome with great sadness, Hank gently guides The Blonde’s head up and away from his southern hemisphere. Gives her a kiss on the cheek.
Hank: Go be with your kid.
He collects his stuff and leaves.
7 INT. HANK’S PLACE - NIGHT 7
Hank lies awake in bed. Grabs his pants off the floor and fishes for the card Nora gave him. He picks up his shitty PC laptop, launches the browser, types in the address for the Hell-A website.
The site is instantly appealing -- a cross between Rolling Stone, Salon.com, and Suicide Girls.com. The content covers art, music, film, politics -- with a narrow focus on L.A.
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6 CONTINUED: 6
(CONTINUED)
Being the very edge of Western Civilization and the epicenter of everything right and wrong with the world as we know it. Hank is instantly sucked into the raw, cool, unfiltered aesthetic. We get the sense he sees a kindred spirit in there somewhere. And then -- his computer dies. He hurls it across the room. Gets out of bed.
8 INT. APPLE STORE - NIGHT 8
Hank stands in the middle of the sleek, ultra-tech space, writing on one of the Macs. We see a portion of the display, the top of which reads: “HANK HATES YOU ALL.” As Hank’s voice-over kicks in...
Hank: (Voice-Over.) A few things I’ve learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called life:
One: a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness.
Two: I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.
And three: while I’m down there, it might be a nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s Playboy bush or anything... just something that reminds me that I’m performing cunnilingus on an adult...
...words, phrases and images from Hank’s manifesto are
projected onto the walls and other computer displays.
Things like: “breast implants, bikini wax, vaginal rejuvenation.”
Pictures of 1950’s pin-up girls transforming over the decades into the alien life forms that L.A. Women have become today. The whole store becomes Hank’s private office and a heightened, stylized manifestation of what’s going on inside his head.
Hank: (Voice-Over.) But I guess the larger question is... why is the City of Angels so hell-bent on destroying its female population...?
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7 CONTINUED: 7
9 EXT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - DAY 9
Hank pulls up in front. Gets out with a bottle of Glenlivet. Walks the walk. Hearing signs of life from the POOL AREA Where he finds a lone swimmer in the pool: It’s MIA, of course. She pulls herself up and out of the pool, dripping wet, string bikini, more naked than not. All that’s missing is a pair of heart-shaped glasses.
Hank: Jesus Christ.
Mia: Nope. Just little ol’ me. (Then) Are you okay? You look a little pale. You’re not going to have a heart attack, are you? You are getting on in years.
Hank: Hey, being older than you doesn’t necessarily make me old.
Mia: Well, I am sixteen, you know.
Hank: So I’ve been told.
Mia: What’s the word for that again? Let me check the books. Oh, here it is. Right here. Statutory rape.
Hank: That’s two words.
Bill emerges from the house, breaking the spell. He clears his throat, clearly uncomfortable.
Bill: Honey, go put some clothes on, okay? We have company.
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(CONTINUED)
Mia: Oh, Daddy... I’m sure it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before.
An uncomfortable beat. She walks off. It takes everything Hank’s got not to watch as she goes. Bill appraises Hank.
Bill: Hank.
Hank: Tim.
Bill: Thanks for coming.
Hank: Thanks for having me.
Bill: It’s my pleasure.
Hank: No, it’s my pleasure.
Bill: You know, I think this is an important step we’re taking here tonight.
Hank: What step is that, Bill? The one where I stand by and let you steal my family out from under me? I don’t think so. Game on, broheme.
Bill sighs, reaches out to take the bottle of booze...
Bill: You didn’t have to do that.
...but Hank pulls away.
Hank: I didn’t. This is for me. At the same time, Karen walks out with a 40ish friend and neighbor.
SONJA. Hank goes in for his customary kiss and gets his usual rebuke.
Karen: Hank - Sonja... Sonja - Hank.
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9 CONTINUED: 9
(CONTINUED)
Sonja: I love your writing.
Hank: How much were you paid to say that? Cuz I’ll double it for the truth.
Sonja: I read your adaptation way back when Soderbergh was going to do it. I fucking loved it.
Hank: Ah, yes. The salad days. There I was, across from the man of my dreams. You’re so in love and you know you’re going to fuck and make this beautiful baby. Then all of a sudden you turn your head, and when you look back, he’s gone, replaced by some hack imposter. Yet you still sleep with him because he’s vaguely attractive and you talk yourself into thinking he’ll be a great father. Nine months later...
Sonja: ...you wish you had sucked down a bottle of morning-after pills. (Then.) Been there, bought the T-shirt.
Hank: Oh, we’re going to get along just fine. (To Sonja.) Excuse me for a moment.
Hank smoothly tugs Karen out of earshot.
Hank: What are you doing?
Karen: What are you talking about?
Hank: You’re trying to set me up with this chick.
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9 CONTINUED: 9
(CONTINUED)
Karen: Nonsense. I just thought it might be nice for you to have a play date with someone your own age.
Hank: And if we get along swimmingly...?
Karen: Hank. I left you, remember? I’m not holding a torch here. You need to get on with your life.
Hank: And you need to get in touch with your emotions, woman.
10 INT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - BATHROOM - EVENING 10
Hank opens the medicine cabinet, finds a bottle of Percocet. Pops one. Closes the cabinet. Looks in the mirror. Doesn’t like what he sees. Gives himself a quick pep talk.
Hank: Nobody likes you. You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. (Then.) Smile, you fucking douche.
11 EXT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - EVENING 11
An infinitely more relaxed Hank finds everyone gathered at the table. Bill at one end -- Karen at the other. Charlie, Marcy and Becca lined up on one side. Hank finds himself forced to slide between Sonja and Mia on the other. Almost immediately, he feels a hand on his leg. He looks -- it’s Sonja. He looks at her. She’s smiling. He looks away, catches Karen’s gaze. Somehow she instinctively senses the chemistry between Hank and Sonja. Hank can’t help but smile. And then he feels something. Another hand on his leg. Looks down... It’s Mia’s. He looks at her. She’s smiling too. He looks away, catches Bill staring at him. Becca pipes in:
Becca: Dad?
Hank: Yes, my love.
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9 CONTINUED: 9
(CONTINUED)
Becca: Can I get a dog?
Hank: Sure. As long as it poops here.
Bill: We’ll talk about it, honey.
Hank winces, doesn’t like the “honey”. Bill realizes.
Bill: Sorry, Hank. My apologies.
Hank: No worries. She is very sweet.
Nervous laughter. Bill clears his throat, raises a glass.
Bill: Allow me to propose a toast. To friends, family, a new beginning...
Under the table, Mia has found Hank’s dick.
Mia: And a happy ending.
Bill: Well said, honey. Cheers.
Everyone drinks up. Hank drains his entire glass, squirming in his seat as Mia grinds him hard. Sonja continues to stroke Hank’s inner thigh, oblivious to the tugjob action.
Sonja: (To Karen.) So how did you and Bill meet? Karen is immediately uncomfortable.
Karen: Probably not the best setting for that particular story...
Hank: Are you kidding me? Couldn’t ask for a better setting.
Bill hired Karen to redo his place. This place. Along the way, they talked Zen and the art of the mid-life crisis and fell head over heels.
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11 CONTINUED: 11
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Hank: In the end, Bill got another trophy for his mantle and Karen got to move into her Barbie dream house. Talk about being the architect of your very own...
Mia: Happy ending?
Hank: Got it, thanks.
Bill: A bit of an oversimplification, Hank, but I’m not surprised.
Hank: The floor is all yours, Bill.
Bill: I’ll pass.
Hank: I’m not surprised.
Mia: Now how did you and Karen meet?
Bill: Mia...
Mia: What? I’m curious.
Sonja: Me too.
Karen: Some other time, sweetie.
Hank: Karen’s not a big fan of memory lane.
Becca: I’ll tell it.
Karen: Becca.
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11 CONTINUED: 11
Hank (Cont'd)
(CONTINUED)
Becca: Mom was going to art school and playing bass in this downtown noise band. Dad had just published his first novel. They met cute at... (To Hank.) What was it called again?
Hank: CBGB’s.
Becca: Right. He thought she was pretentious, and she thought he was way too pleased with himself. But they had sex anyway. In the
morning, he made her breakfast and she talked about her plan to move to Seattle so she could stalk and marry...
Karen: ...Chris Cornell.
Becca: Right. But then she read Dad’s writing. And that was it. Nine months later, I was born. They never got married, of course. But they stayed together a long time. A lot longer than most people do. No one knows what to say.
Hank smiles sweetly at Becca. Looks at Karen, who is dodging both his look and Bill’s. Marcy feels like it’s her civic duty to change the tone.
Marcy: Not that anyone asked, but I can tell you how Charlie and I met.
Charlie: Here we go.
Marcy: One day, this obnoxious agent walked into my salon for a facial. And boy did he need it.
Charlie: It’s true. I was a mess.
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(CONTINUED)
Marcy: Yes. And then I noticed the unibrow. Sitting there like a big, giant moustache over his eyes.
Charlie: And thus began a relationship forged out of intense pain and suffering.
Marcy: I swore up and down I would never fall in love with some obnoxious agent, but I did. Next thing you know, I’m doing all his manscaping.
Charlie: And now m’lady is the bikini wax queen of Beverly Hills.
Marcy: It’s true -- I’ve seen a lot of famous vaginas. (Hands Sonja a business card) “Hot Lips”. Stop by and pamper the puss sometime. I’ll hook you up.
A car horn HONKS out front.
Mia: Bye, Daddy. Bye everyone. My boyfriend’s here. Gotta go.
Mia gives Hank’s cock a final squeeze and gets up from the table. She kisses Bill goodbye. And so she goes.
Sonja: Well, I wish I had an interesting story to share about my ex. But it’s really just L.A. Cliche #4B -- he was sleeping with his assistant.
Hank: It happens.
Sonja: His name was Ted.
Hank: Your husband?
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(CONTINUED)
Sonja: His assistant. A bit awkward.
Hank: Could be worse.
Sonja: How so?
Hank: Well, better to find out that your husband is gay rather than say a Scientologist or something. Right?
Sonja: I’m a Scientologist, Hank. A lot awkward.
Hank: This is what I love about Los Angeles. The diversity.
12 INT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - BECCA’S ROOM - NIGHT 12
Becca’s bedroom here is the teen movie version of her bedroom at Hank’s place. Hank’s looking through her iPod.
Hank: Hey, you like The Eagles? (Then) Oh, the Eagles of Death Metal. Right on.
Becca: I liked having you here tonight.
Hank: I liked being here tonight.
Becca: Bullshit.
Hank stares at her. She’s forced to surrender a dollar bill.
Hank: Pleasure doing business with you.
Hank looks around the room, takes in the “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” one-sheet on the wall.
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(CONTINUED)
Hank: I hate to burst your bubble, sweetie, but that movie has nothing to do with your old man.
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12 CONTINUED: 12
(CONTINUED)
Becca: Of course it does. Your novel -- while very much an exercise in nihilism -- is firmly rooted in romanticism.
Hank: You’ve read the novel? (Off her nod) Jesus Fuck.
Becca stares at him until he gives her the dollar back.
Becca: You shouldn’t take the lord’s name in vain, you know.
Hank: Where’d you get that old chestnut?
Becca: Bill. I was wearing my Cradle of Filth T-shirt. The one that says “Jesus Was a C-Word” on the back.
Hank: That’s my girl.
Becca: But I do pray sometimes. Sort of.
Hank: What for?
Becca: That you and Mom work out your shit and we move back to New York.
Hank: Oh, baby... you don’t owe me anything for that one.
He pulls her into a long hug. Doesn’t want to let go.
Becca: Dad? Are you okay?
Hank: No. But I’m working on it.
Becca: Can I get a dog?
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12 CONTINUED: 12
13 INT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - HALLWAY - NIGHT 13
Hank exits Becca’s room. Picks up the dwindling supply of scotch right where he left it -- by the door. Takes a swig. Just as Sonja is coming out of a nearby bathroom.
Hank: Hey, sorry about that. I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about half the time. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you.
Sonja: No worries, Hank.
Hank smells something. He sniffs. Sonja giggles.
Sonja: Wanna get fucked up?
14 INT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 14
Hank and Sonja share a joint on Karen and Bill’s bed.
Sonja: Why so smiley?
Hank: Nothing like getting stoned on the very bed your ex-domestic partner shares with her fiance. (A happy sigh) It’s the little things.
Sonja takes a deep hit, stands up.
Sonja: Do me a favor?
Hank: Sure.
Sonja: Tell me what you think.
She steps out of her dress. Stands in front of him. Completely naked.
Hank: Honestly?
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 24.
(CONTINUED)
Sonja: Honestly. I’m forty-something years old, there’s no time for games. I need to know the truth.
Hank: * Okay, well, your breasts are obviously real... you have an abundance of pubic hair... and there’s no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation... (Then) Aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.
Sonja smiles, gives him the finger, says:
Sonja: Thank you.
And she means it.
Hank: My pleasure.
Sonja: Do me another favor?
Hank: What’s that?
Sonja: Fuck me. (Then.) My husband recently left me for a guy named Ted and right now all I want to do is get fucked stupid by a man who actually likes women. Is that okay with you?
Hank: Well, I’d be lying if I said I never wondered what it would be like to bang a Scientologist.
A beat. And then she jumps his bones.
15 EXT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - NIGHT 15
Marcy and Karen, lit by the cool blue of the pool.
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14 CONTINUED: 14
(CONTINUED)
Marcy: You must be really fucking hairy right now.
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 25A.
15 CONTINUED: 15
(CONTINUED)
Karen: Excuse me?!
Marcy: You haven’t been in for a wax in months. Either you’ve taken your lady business elsewhere, or you’re sporting a ginormous hippie bush these days.
Karen: I’m sorry... but I just came to keep you in business.
Marcy: And I just want you to be happy and hair-free.
Karen: Well, I am. Thanks for asking.
Marcy: Good. And you’re sure you’re not making some deal with yourself that your ass can’t cash?
Karen: What does that even mean?
Marcy: Hey, I might be mixing metaphors, but I’m not speaking in tongues. Are you absolutely sure you want to marry this guy?
Karen: It’s not that complicated. I love him. He loves me. He’s good to my daughter. What else is there?
Marcy: What about Hank?
Karen: What about him?
Marcy: He loves you. He’s trying to get his shit together.
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 26.
15 CONTINUED: 15
(CONTINUED)
Karen: He’s been trying to get his shit together since the day we met.
Marcy: Sex with Bill? Good?
Karen: Great.
Marcy: As great as it was with Hank?
Karen: Different.
16 INT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 16
Where Hank teases an uber-enthused Sonja from behind.
Sonja: Come on... just put it in...
Hank: I don’t think Tom and Katie would approve of your behavior right now.
Sonja: Oh shut the fuck up already...
Hank: Are you clear yet?
Sonja: Shut up and fuck me!
Hank: You are one kinky thetan.
As Hank accommodates her, Sonja’s ardor grows... and grows... until finally... after a particularly forceful series of thrusts from Hank... she BUCKS against him... and BRONCOS him... In the process, Hank is thrown backward, against the wall. Taking down the absurdly modern painting that hangs there.
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15 CONTINUED: 15
(CONTINUED)
Off the bed he falls, SMASHING his head against the edge of the night stand on the way down. Landing on the floor like a sack of grain.
Sonja: Oh my God -- are you okay?!
A beat later, Hank staggers to his feet. He touches his head, comes away with bloody fingers. He sees the painting. Tries to put it back up on the wall. Getting blood all over it in the process. Suddenly, he’s not feeling so good. The combination of pot, Percocet and single malt Scotch whisky is taking its toll. A moment later, he VOMITS all over the painting. And that’s precisely when Karen, Bill, Charlie and Marcy all pile into the room, drawn by the commotion. A horribly embarrassing moment as Hank stands there -- naked, bloody and dazed. Suddenly feeling vulnerable, Hank picks up the painting and holds it in front of his genitalia.
Hank: It’s all good...
17 EXT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - NIGHT 17
As Hank exits and walks to his car, another car pulls up, depositing Mia. She slams the door and the car roars off. Mia sees Hank. Takes in his disheveled state, very amused.
Mia: Did we just have sex?
Hank: Cute. Did you hit him too?
Mia: Of course not, silly. That was just for you. He was pissed off that I wouldn’t surrender the pink. Boys... (alt.) * He was just pissed off that I * wouldn’t give so much as a dry * tugjob. Boys... *
Hank: What do you want from me?
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 28.
16 CONTINUED: 16
(CONTINUED)
Mia: Isn’t it obvious?
Hank: Look, what happened the other night can never happen again. Ever.
Mia: And why is that?
Hank: Because it’s sick and wrong.
Mia: Are you sure about that?
Hank: Yes. Absolutely.
Mia: Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I don’t see what’s so sick and wrong about a little fucking and punching between consenting adults.
Hank: Well, for one -- you’re not an adult.
Mia: You dirty old man you. (Sighs.) Oh, well... I guess I’ll just have to get out my vibrator and read * your blog.
Hank: Well, at least it won’t be a total * waste of your time. *
Mia: No way. I thought it was cool. I was like, hey, I totally fucked that guy. (Then.) Must be weird, though...
Hank: What?
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 29.
17 CONTINUED: 17
(CONTINUED)
Mia: Being an employee of a man you so clearly hate.
Hank: What are you talking about?
Mia: My father. He owns Hell-A magazine.
As if on cue, the front door opens... Bill calls out:
Bill: (O. S.) Mia... is that you...?
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 29A.
17 CONTINUED: 17
(CONTINUED)
Mia: (To Bill, eyes on Hank) Coming, Daddy...
She turns and goes, leaving Hank dazed, confused, and no closer to redemption...
18 INT./EXT. DIRTY BLACK PORSCHE - NIGHT 18
Hank drives along the coast...
Hank: (Voice-Over.) As a boy, I was obsessed with girls. All I wanted was everything. To kiss them, taste them, smell them... but most of all... to understand them...
19 INT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - BECCA’S ROOM - NIGHT 19
In a darkened room, Karen kisses a sleeping Becca...
Hank: (Voice-Over.) As an adult, these girls... these amazing creatures... they remain a mystery...
20 INT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - MIA’S ROOM - NIGHT 20
A pajama-clad Mia reads in bed -- God Hates Us All by Hank Moody. Finally, she puts the book down, slips her hand into her bottoms and begins to masturbate...
Hank: (Voice-Over.) All I know for sure is that they become women...
21 EXT. KAREN & BILL’S PLACE - BY THE POOL - NIGHT 21
A contemplative Karen drinks a glass of wine by the pool...
Hank: (Voice-Over.) And the things women do... to each other... to themselves... in this city... in the name of men... it makes me sad. If only they knew... if only they could see... that their flaws make them all the more beautiful... I think they would sleep a lot easier...
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 30.
17 CONTINUED: 17
22 INT./EXT. DIRTY BLACK PORSCHE - NIGHT 22
Hank reclines in the Porsche, looking up the sky, the top down, parked somewhere near LAX. He feels a hand on his thigh. Looks: Karen is next to him. She mouths something... something that sounds like...
Karen: I love you...
But he can barely hear her... A MAGNIFICENT ROAR as A PLANE FLIES LOW OVERHEAD... Coming in for a landing... Hank watches for a moment. Looks back. Karen is gone.
Hank: (Voice-Over.) They say this is the City of Angels... but all I see are broken wings...
OVER AND OUT:
END OF SHOW
CALIFORNICATION EP102 FINAL DRAFT - GOLD 6/14/07 31.
Source : leethomson.myzen.co.uk