CALIFORNICATION
EPISODE 109
"FILTHY LUCRE"
Written by Ildy Modrovich
FADE IN:
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
HANK glides down one of those MOVING SIDEWALKS. Glasses on, unlit cigarette in his mouth. Floating coma.
A geriatric in a wheelchair passes him. He pulls out a miniature Jack Daniels. Gives her ye ole "bottoms up" nod. Cracks the seal. Drains it.
EXT. BAGGAGE CLAIM - MOMENTS LATER
Still semi-conscious. Until, he catches a glimpse of A GORGEOUS BLONDE amidst the throng, waiting. Looks like KAREN...
It is KAREN.
Then she sees Hank. Rush of hope. They make their way to each other, hesitate, then... They go in for a deep kiss. Beyond passionate. Finally, they pull away. Eyes locked.
Karen: Why Hank, I believe your tray table is in an upright position.
Hank: Indeed it is.
Hank snaps to, STILL ON THE PLANE. A stewardess is in this face. Beg Texas smile.
Stewardess: Sir? Sir? Please put your tray table in an upright position. Thank you so much.
Wheels bump and screech as the plane touches down.
EXT. BAGGAGE CLAIM - MOMENTS LATER
Same tableau. But this time, no fantasy. Hank really does dee Karen. He starts to go to her. She waves animatedly... Hank thinks the wave is for him. Realizes it's not as BILL swoops in. They make out. Hank gags a little, turns to go, but then fuck it, he joins them.
All three of them just look at each other for a moment. Awkward. Very awkward.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Bildo.
Bill: Hank.
Hank: I like your fat, I mean, your pants.
Bill dives back into the kissing. Reunited and it feels so good. Karen reciprocates, albeit slightly reticently now that Hank's present. Hank lights up a cigarette.
Hank: (Cont'd.) Don't hold back on my account.
Bill: I'm not.
Hank: Really. Cuz if it were me I would have grabbed the ass a little. Maybe gone for a half-grind.
Karen and Bill finally pull apart.
Bill: I guess you made it on stand by.
Karen: You guys were on the same flight?
Hank: And the same stewardess -- (Holds his hand up for a high five.) Come on, Mile high Club. Don't leave me hangin.
Bill: Ran into each other a LaGuardia. Lucky me.
Hank: No, lucky me. It was fun to watch you bobbing about first class from my seat in Steerage. I thought you over did it a little on the hot towels though. Bad case of swamp ass?
(CONTINUED)
Karen: How's your sister holding up?
Hank: Better. Now that she found Dad's OxyContin. She was glad to see you though. Seriously, thanks for coming out.
Bill: I am sorry about your loss, Hank. How was the funeral?
Hank: Really fun. How was building onto your empire of dull?
Bill: Actually, we should get going. It's been three weeks -- I'm excited to see Mia.
Hank: And I for one, am excited to see Akbar.
Karen: Akbar?
Hank: My cab driver.
Karen: Nonsense. No one takes cabs in LA. We'll give you a ride. Right, Bill?
Bill: (Deadpan.) Of course. We insist.
Hank: Great. Shotgun!
INF. KAREN'S PRIUS - DAY
Even more awkward.
Hank's in the back, sandwiched between all the luggage. Sticking his head up between Karen and Bill like a little kid being driven by his parents.
(CONTINUED)
Karen: Buckle up, Hank.
Hank: Oh, I'm strapped. But don't pretend like you don't already now that, sweet cheeks.
Bill: Gosh I love memory lane. Can you talk about the time you did it in an elevator?
Hank: Time? Singular?
Karen: (Changing the subject.) Becca hasn't stopped practicing since you left. You should hear her play "I Wanna Be Sedated". She shreds.
Hank: Bill's been AWO1 even longer than I. Why don't you tell him what happened while he was gone, m'lady?
Karen tenses. Gives him a don't-you-dare glance in the rearview.
Bill: Like what?
Karen: I've talked to you every day you've been gone. There's really nothing new to report.
Hank: I'm sure you left out a couple tiny things.
Karen: Doubt it.
Hank: Let's just say I did Karen a big solid.
Bill: That so?
(CONTINUED)
Karen: Hank--
Hank: I gave Miss Carpenter here, the best-- job of her life. She's working on a Ray Kappe house. Belongs to a douche bag, but still.
Karen: (Masking the relief.) And your humility on the matter is without end, Mr. Moody.
Bill: I know she told me. She tells me everything.
Hank: Everything, Billy Bob? That's impssible.
Bill: I know what you're trying to do, but it's futile. I trust Karen implicitly.
Hank: Wow. That's sweet. (Burns Karen a quick stare via the rearview.) I'm moved right now. And so are my bowels. But let me ask you this: how can you trust a woman who essentially cheated on me with you. Karen, you have many enviable qualities, but I think you'll agree, loyalty? Not so much.
Karen: I didn't cheat--
Bill: We really going to talk about this right now?
Hank: --Not with your lady business, perhaps. Although that's still up for debate.
Bill: Alright, that's it. Knock it off.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Okay. That's fine. We'll talk about something else.
Beat.
Hank: (Cont'd.) (Apropos of nothing.) So Bill... Is it hard not to tell people you're gay?
INT. KAREN AND BILL'S PLACE - COURTYARD - DAY
Hank, Karen and Bill enter to find BECCA and her BAND tearing through a pretty sweet version of "Highway to Hell".
MIA, clad in her way-too-hot school uniform, is draped across a lounge chair, watching. The boys of the band are drooling like cartoon wolves. Jealousy reads on Becca's face, that Hank doesn't miss.
Big finish. Karen and Hank applaud like mad. Bill limps in. Becca unloads her guitar and runs to Hank. Huge hug.
Hank: Mr. Scott would be proud. (Turns to Mia.) As for you, Angus wants his clothes back.
Karen: Really, baby. You guys are getting so good.
Becca: You think so?
Hank: Caucasian, please. They kick ass. I'm not too proud to live in the basement of my rock star daughter's crib. I'm officially quitting my job.
Mia: What job?
Bill: Good one, honey.
(CONTINUED)
Karen: (To the band.) You're definitely playing that one at the wedding.
Becca: Awesome.
Bill: Well, let's not get carried away.
Karen: What?
Bill: What? I mean... what?
Karen: Are you saying they're not playing that one at the wedding, or they're not playing the wedding at all?
Bill: We just... haven't talked about it yet. I thought we were getting a string quartet.
Karen: That was pre-Kill Jill.
Bill: That's their name?
Hank: (To Becca.) Good one, honey. You're right, the other name was too on the nose.
Bill: Why don't we talk about this later. Maybe a few songs would be fine.
Karen: Great. Glad to have your permission... for what goes on at my wedding.
Bill: Our wedding, sweetheart.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Look, I don't waana get your hopes up, but I think this is exactly the kinda shit Dr. Phil's looking for.
INT. KAREN'S PRIUS - DAY
Karen drives Hank home. Silence.
Hank: As much as I loathe this crunchy - ass granola mobile, I simply can't wait till we get home. Pull over.
Karen: For what?
Hank: For to make the sex.
Karen: You're high.
Hank: Do the seats on this trendy West- side vehicle recline?
He goes in for a kiss. She gives him the Heisman.
Hank: (Cont'd.) Little late for playing hard to get.
Karen: I think you and I both know we need to forget about what happened.
Hank: How can you forget such a knee- rattling orgasm? I think you knocked something lose down there, tiger.
Karen: You were grieving. I was grieving. It was a slip.
Hank: A good slip. So good, in fact, I wrote something.
This gets her attention.
(CONTINUED)
Karen: You did?
Hank: Correct. The hex is officially broken.
Karen: What did you write? When?
Hank: What, I'm not sure yet. Did it when I was in New York. On Dad's Corona. (Then.) Wanna see it?
Karen: Please tell me we're not talking about your penis.
Hank: Not in this context. Come on, you know you're my Obi Wan Kenobi. I want you to be the first to tell me you love it.
Digs out the TYPED MAUSCRIPT from his messenger bag as the car comes to a stop in front of his place.
Hank: (Cont'd.) (Handing it over.) Here.
Karen: I have to finish the Carr plans. And I have, like, two other appointments this week-- I don't know how soon I can get to it.
Hank frowns, a little stung by this response. Recovers.
Hank: You have to be at least slightly curious about what is essentially the fruit of our loins.
Karen: I'm just saying.
Hank: Speaking of loin fruitage... tell becca to put on her best frock.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Hank: (Cont'd.) She shall have a gentleman caller this evening.
Gets out of the car. Yanks his suitcase from the back. Smile on his usually inscrutable face. Karen can't help but be charmed by this change of manner. And a bit threatened.
Hank: (Cont'd.) I know it's your night, but I figured we missed a couple while I was gone -- if that's alright?
Karen: Yeah, no, of course.
Hank: Great. Then, I'll smell ya' later.
And she's off.
INT. CHARLIE'S OFFICE - DAY
Hank rounds the corner to find Dani's desk empty, Charlie's door shut. Cautiously approaches. Hears voices. Hesitates Knocks.
Charlie: (Out Screen.) Come in.
Hank does. CHARLIE's at his desk. DANI's standing there with a stack of scripts. Nothing sinister here.
Charlie: (Cont'd.) Since when do you knock?
Hank: Forgive me, every time I walk in here I'm just afraid I'm going to see balls.
Charlie: Sorry to disappoint.
Hank: That's alright. I'm going to your mama's house later.
Dani: I'll make those calls. (Passes Hank, even gloomier than normal.) Mr. Moody.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Dani.
She leaves.
Hank: (Cont'd.) What's with her?
Charlie: What do you mean?
Hank: She's usually so perky, so carefree. Rough night on the rack?
Charlie: Ever since the... thing -- the tryst with Marcy -- it's been weird.
Hank: What a shame. Things were so normal before.
Charlie: Not just here. But at home.
Hank: Hate to say "I told you so, but..."
Charlie just hangs his head.
Hank: (Cont'd.) Aw. You're so sexy when you're miserable. (Charlie flips him off.) Stop. I'm getting a semi. (Then.) So what exactly is the problem? Can't poppa chubby without Cruella in the equation?
Charlie: Au contraire. It's Marcy who's enamored.
Hank: Really?
(CONTINUED)
Charlie: Meanwhile, only time Dani seems content is when she's being dragged across the fucking floor by her clit. (Then.) Yeah. I need to fire her.
Hank: Fire her? It's clearly employee-of-the-month time. (Sincere now.) Sorry, man. Come here. You need a hug? (Blank stare from Charlie.) If there's anything I can do -- take pictures, whatever -- you know I'm here.
Charlie: (Suddenly excited.) Oh, shit. I almost forgot. I have something for you..
Hank: I draw the line at nipple clamps -- I've seen your fractured fun bag, and I want no part.
Goes to his desk. Pulls out a check. Hands it to Hank.
Charlie: Come on, who's your favorite agent? (Off Hank.) Okay, who's your favorite bald agent?
Hank: What's this for?
Charlie: That, my friend, is a Crazy Little Thing bonus check. Because of my mad skills, once the movie hit a certain number of zeros, you get a piece of the pie.
Hank: Fuck. I don't even know what to do with this much cash.
(CONTINUED)
Charlie: That hurts me. Buy something, do something. Go on vacation. Rent a high-class piece of ass.
Hank: Well, I am going to your mama's house. (Off Charlie.) What? She's pricey.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Hank cruises in the Porche. Suddenly, it lurches. Sputters, then dies a quick, unceremonious death in the middle of the street. The honking begins.
Hank: Shit. Shit.
He's out and shoving it to the side, flipping pissed off LA drivers the bird as he goes. Looks up to see one of those church lawn signs: "JESUS SAVES". Underneath these prophetic words, something in Korean, maybe a translation.
Then, he spots a Toyota dealership across the road. Why not...
INT. TOYOTA DEALERSHIP - SHOWROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Hank checks out a supremely ridiculous souped-up Supra. Over-Sized spoilers, fart cannon exhaust, the works. AN OLDER GENT, close to the point of embalmed, approaches.
Older gent: Wanna take that sweet ride out for a spin?
Hank: Tempting. But actually, do you have one of those crunchy-ass granola mobiles?
The gent swivels, whistles to A HOT SALESWOMAN -- the naughty librarian type -- who smiles and heades over.
EXT. TOYOTA DEALERSHIP - LOT - MOMENTS LATER
Hank strolls with the saleswoman.
Hot saleswoman: Wait till you see the head room.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Head room. Uh-huh.
Hot saleswoman: For such a compact car, it's surprisingly roomy.
She unlocks it, does a Price-Is-Right gesture towards the interior.
Hot Saleswoman: (Cont'd.) See? People think these are just about being green, and of course, that's true. But there's no sacrifice on comfort. (Folds the seat forward.) I mean, look at this back seat. You could lie down back there. You can do anything in there.
Hank: Right, yeah... I see what this is. You swap Grandpa Munster for Marilyn and except me to lay down and cough up the cash. Well, let me tell you this, sister, I'm of medium intelligence and what's more, I'm extremely jaded. So I am not about to get fucked on this.
Hot Saleswoman: Then let's play it straight. You want this car?
Hank shrugs.
Hot Saleswoman: (Cont'd.) The lowest I can go is twenty-six.
Hank: Twenty-three. Cash.
Hot Saleswoman: Twenty-four five. Final offer.
Hank: Look, I like what you've got going here -- this whole man-eater Gordon Gekko thing, but I know how things work. Don't tell me you can't go any lower than that.
(CONTINUED)
The stare down. Then finally, she softens a little. Takes a few slow steps toward him. And ever-so-gently grabs his package.
Moment of slight incredulity from Hank.
Hot saleswoman: I might be able to go a little lower.
HER OFFICE,
Blinds closed. Hank and the saleswoman are horizontal on the desk.
Hank: I want the navigation thrown in.
Hot saleswoman: Fine.
INT./EXT. KAREN & BILL'S PLACE - DAY
Hank pulls up in his shiny new Prius, ready to show it off. Bill answers the door. Boner killer. He's eating a sandwich.
Hank: Hello, Yoko.
Bill: (Mouth full.) Becca will down in a minute.
Hank: Got a little somethin'...
Makes the motion that Bill's got to wipe off his cheek. He does.
Hank: (Cont'd.) No. Still there.
Bill: It's a zit.
Hank: Really? Didn't know people in their 50's still got those.
(CONTINUED)
Bill: I'm 43.
Hank: And well-preserved.
Bill: See you got a new car. Another lame attempt to woo my bride from the altar. Hank. When are you going to get it through your head? She's never going to go back to you. She's done.
The irony not lost on Hank...
Hank: You're a very confident fellow. Wouldn't expect that from someone like you.
Bill: Someone like me?
Hank: Of your sack volume.
Bill: I've practically knocked you unconscious, stolen your wife -- sorry, girlfriend -- from you, how much more proof of my manhood must I display?
Hank: How 'bout an armwrestle?
Bill: You serious?
Hank: You scared?
Bill: You are eleven.
Hank: Older than you.
Bill: Let's do it.
KITCHEN COUNTER
Hank and Bill assume the position.
Hank: Your hand smells like ass.
Bill: That's because I've been touching my ass.
Hank: Alright, on three. One, two--
Hank starts. Quickly gets the upper hand. But Bill recovers.
Here comes Becca, down the stairs. Karen's right behind.
Becca: Hey, dad--
They see the match in full-force.
Karen: What the hell? Stop that right now.
Bill: Honey, stay out of this.
Hank: Yes, honey. This is just a friendly match between man and dickweed.
Karen: I said knock it off!
She physically shoves them apart. No more joke. They stand like two little boys in trouble.
Hank/Bill: Sorry.
Karen: Take Becca and go. Now, before I change my mind.
As she aims him toward the door, he leans in for an inside.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Hey, have you read my thing? Want me to bend over so that you can blow smoke up my ass?
Karen: No, I haven't read it yet.
Hank: (Genuinely surprised.) Really?
Karen: Have her back before ten, it's a school night.
Hank: Always do. (Then, to Bill.) This isn't over.
Gives Bill the I'm-watching-you fingers to the eyes as Karen shoves them out.
OUTSIDE WALK,
Becca: Let's go to one of those clubs that no one can get into.
Hank: Can't think of anyplace I'd like to go less.
Becca: But famous people go there.
Hank: Alright, maybe. But only get if I get to fart hammer Lindsay.
INT. CHARLIE'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Dani enters to find Charlie's at his computer.
Charlie: Good. You're still here. I need to talk to you.
Dani: I'm quitting.
Surprisingly not ready for this...
(CONTINUED)
Charlie: What?
Dani: Today's my last day. I've already cleared out my desk.
Charlie: That's it? Can't we discuss this?
Dani: Matt Patterson's going to cover your desk until you find someone.
Charlie: I don't like Matt Patterson. I like you.
Dani: I don't know how he feels about latex, but he'd probably be willing to crawl around for you.
Charlie: (Chuckles.) That's funny. See, that's good -- we make each other laugh. Things are good. (Then, almost desperate.) Please don't go.
But Dani's expressionless. Charlie goes to her, takes her by the arms.
Charlie: (Cont'd.) Can you at least tell me why?
Dani: Yes. You're getting clingy.
Charlie: Disagree.
He lets go. She walks out.
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
Hank leads Becca down the dank alleyway.
Becca: I'm sensing the cool club is out.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: This is way better. Promise.
INT. SHIT-HOLE BAR - BACK ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Hank and Becca enter to find TODD CARR, GARY SHADLING and maybe ANDY DICK sitting around a poker table. Smoking cigars, flipping chips.
Becca: Poker!
Gary Shandling: You didn't say anything about children, Carr.
Andy Dick: I love kids.
Hank: Hands off, Dick.
Todd Carr: What the fuck, Moody? I don't want your little girl watching over my shoulder. (To Becca.) No offense.
Hank: She's not watching. She's playing.
He drags over another chair. Becca sits. Big grin.
Becca: What is this? Hold 'em? What's the buy-in?
Gary Shandling: Well, isn't that precious. It's like Winona Ryder and Doyle Brunson had a baby.
Andy Dick: (Eyeing her.) Indeed.
Hank: (To Dick.) Seriously, I want you to switch seats with Carr.
A WAITRESS steps up to Hank.
(CONTINUED)
Gary Shandling: I'll have a large Sapporo and an adult diaper, please.
Hank: Two cokes, thanks.
Todd Carr: Oh what, you're not drinking either.
Andy Dick: Can we say "fuck" around her?
Becca: I've heard it all.
Gary Shandling: I don't know about this. I'm uncomfortable around tweens.
INT. KAREN & BILL'S PLACE - NIGHT
Karen, Bill and Mia are enjoying dinner.
Bill: Are you free this weekend to register?
Karen: I don't want people to bring gifts, Bill. We're too... grown-up for that. It would be embarrassing.
Bill: Well, people are going to bring them whether you want them to or not. Wouldn't you rather it be something you actually want.
Karen: People? Who's people? We're inviting, like 25 friends. And they know we don't want gifts.
Bill: I wanted to talk to you about that. My mother was talking to Pheobe -- (Off Karen's blank look.) My aunt?
(CONTINUED)
Mia: The one with the rash you met last Christmas.
Bill: Anyway, I guess she assumed she was invited and if she comes that means we have to invite that whole side of the family.
Karen: Bill. You know I don't want a big wedding. I barely want a wedding at all.
Bill: What does that mean?
Karen: It means I don't need a big white fluffy explosion... I just... I mean, Hank and I never even got married.
Bill: And look how that turned out.
Mia: Well, they were together-- (Turns to Karen.)-- thirteen years? (Karen nods.) Which is statistically over twice as long than most marriages last.
Karen: Interesting. What's the average?
Mia: Five years.
Karen: Wow.
Bill: Thank you for the trivia, darling.
Mia: My pleasure.
Bill: Point is, I can't exactly uninvite them.
(CONTINUED)
Karen: Yes. You can.
Mia sees that this might just heat up a hit. Stads up.
Mia: I'll let you two lovebirds chit chat. I've actually got homework, so...
FOLLOW MIA around the corner. She glances at Karen's purse to see HANK'S MANUSCRIPT sticking out of it. She pulls it out. Reads the cover, tucks it under her arm and splits.
BACK IN THE DINING ROOM,
Bill: ... It's not like I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth.
Karen: Oh right, I forget. You're a child of the ghetto.
Bill: All that bone china was chipped. It was awful.
Karen can't help but smile. Bill leans in.
Bill: (Cont'd.) Everything okay with you?
She looks at him a moment. Tempted to come clean.
Karen: It's just work. And... I don't know, the wedding. I'm nervous, I think.
Bill: You'll see, it's gonna be good.
Karen: I know... But there will be no creepy garter-removal, cake-smashing-in-my-face thing, okay?
Bill: Absolutely.
INT. SHIT-HOLE BAR - BACK ROOM - NIGHT
Mid-game. Huge pot on the table. Ace, king, jack and a nine showing. Waiting on the river.
Todd Carr: Um-hm, okay. I'll see it. Raise you ten grand.
Gary Shandling: You have no idea what you're doing to my colon. (Rechecks his hole cards.) Fine. Up another ten.
Hank: I'm out.
Becca: I'm in-- oh, crap. What's it to me?
Andy Dick: Thirty-three G's, my luscious.
Hank: (To Becca.) Lemme see your cards.
Gary Shandling: Hold on there, chief. If she's playin', she's playin'.
Andy Dick: If you get to see her cards-- (Gestures to Becca's chest.)-- then I get to see those.
Hank: What's wrong with you?
Becca: (Counts her chips.) I don't have that much.
Andy Dick: Oh, I beg to differ.
Hank: (Back to Becca.) You feel good about this?
Becca gives him a little I-think-so shrug.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: (Cont'd.) I'll cover you. (Pushes all his chips in.)
Becca: Dad.
Hank gives her the same shrug she gave him.
Andy Dick: I like what you're singin' there, missy. (Pushes his chips in.) I am so up in there.
Todd Carr: (Folding.) Fuck. I'm out.
Gary Shandling: (Under his breath, re: Becca.) Douche.
Andy Dick: Gary! She's a young lady.
Gary Shandling: What?
Becca: You in or out?
Gary Shandling: (Stare down.) I'm in. Oh, I'm in. Flip 'em. (Flips an ace, king.) I've got big slick, bitches. Two pair.
Becca: (Flips pair of jacks.) Three jacks.
Hank: Sweet.
Andy Dick: Flush.
Hank/Becca: Fuck.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: Becca.
Gary Shandling: The river, Carr.
Andy Dick: In-fuckin-tense.
Carr deals. It's an ace. Gives Becca a full house. Jacks over aces. But gives Gary a full house, too. Aces over kings.
Hank: Oh, that hurts.
Becca: Very much so.
They look at each other. And for some reason, just start laughing. Fuck it.
Gary Shandling: Suddenly, my ass feels great.
EXT. KAREN AND BILL'S PLACE
Hank drops off Becca.
Becca: I think I want a boob job.
Hank: What? No. They're fine the way they-- you're twelve.
Becca: Mia has big cans.
Hank: Mia is older than you. (Then.) Andy Dick thought you were hot.
Becca: Andy Dick would do it with a dog.
Hank: I know, I was just saying.
Becca: I get what you're trying to do.
(CONTINUED)
Hank: If you mean, tell you that you're a gorgeous, clever, funny, unique young lady, then yes. How could you not be? With this potent gene pool right here.
Becca: Then how come every guy I like, likes Mia.
Hank: Which guys?
Becca: My guitar teacher. And now Miles. (Off Hank.) Lead guitarist? Kill Jill?
Hank: (Nods.) Well, honey, love with a music man ain't all of what it's supposed to be. (Then.) Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But you keep playing and trust me, you're going to be on the other side of the heartbreaking.
Karen leans in the doorway.
Becca: Good night, father.
Hank: Good night, offspring.
Becca: I had fun. Sorry we lost.
Hank: It was worth it.
Becca: Yeah.
Hank, glances at Karen, gives Becca a surreptitious "shhh" sign re: the poker. Becca grins, runs inside. Karen approaches, hands hank his manuscript.
Hank: Okay, lay it on me. Superlatives are appreciated but not required.
(CONTINUED)
Karen: I didn't read it. I can't. I know I've told you this, but Hank, you've got to hear me. I'm with Bill now. I need to move on.
Hank: And by move on, you mean settle. For a man who's soul is essentially beige.
Karen: He's not volatile. Doesn't mean he's boring. He's different than you. That's all. It's like comparing The Beatles to The Stones.
Hank: Equating Billard to either of those bands is blasphemous. You must be flagellated. Bend over.
Karen: I'm serious. (Hank sees this.) I know it's not Bill that bugs you, It could be anyone. You'd only be happy if I was with you... or maybe a nun.
Hank: That's hot.
Karen: If only you'd use your powers for good.
Hank: There a lot of things I could say right now, but only one comes to the forefront: WE HAD SEX, KAREN.
Karen: Shut up.
Hank: Shutting me up is not going to make it any less true.
Hank goes in for a kiss. She stops him. Of course. But he lingers, takes a deep breath, just smelling her.
(CONTINUED)
She pushes him away. Tears welling in her eyes now.
Karen: Hank. I don't love you. I love Bill. I'm going to marry Bill. And I really need you to respect that right now.
She goes. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you don't.
Hank: Say good night, Hank...
INT. MARAT - NIGHT
Hank drinks. Dani sits down next to him. She looks like a completely different person. Maybe a brunette now. At first, Hank doesn't recognize her, then...
Hank: Fuck. It's you. I didn't know you hung out there?
Dani: I don't. I hate people.
Hank: Me too. The only thing I hate more than people is me.
Dani just looks at him.
Hank: (Cont'd.) You look like I need a drink. You want one?
Dani: I don't drink.
Hank: That's unfortunate.
Dani: (Pauses.) My dad was an alcoholic. Beat the crap out of me. Blah, blah.
Hank: Shit. I'm sorry.
Dani: Don't be. I'm lying.
(CONTINUED)
Is she?
Hank: (Knowing the answer.) Why are you here?
Dani: Because you are.
Hank: Who are you?
Dani: I'm whatever someone needs me to be. What do you want me to be?
Hank: (Thinks.) I want you to fuck me unconscious.
Dani: No, you don't. You want me to be unavailable. (Holds out her hand.) Give me your car keys...
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Dani's driving the Prius. Windows are down.
Hank: You gonna tell me where we're going? (Dani doesn't answer.) You are one weird lady.
Dani: We're not that different. We both replace love with sex. Both make up stories. I just don't write them down. I live them.
Hank reaches over. Slides his hand up her skirt. She begins to writhe. Looks at him. Couldn't be hotter.
He leans in. They kiss. Hard. She's barely watching the road. The kiss goes on, so does whatever's going on downtown. She closes her eyes.
WHAM! The Prius veers off the road. The front end cracks into a telephone pole and starts flipping. Inside the car, things are blurred. The crunch of metal and glass.
(CONTINUED)
Then, it's over. They look at each other, stunned.
Hank: Shit. Fuck. You okay? Shit. You okay?
Dani: (Touches her mouth.) Yeah. I think so. Are you?
Hank: Yeah, yeah. Holy fuck.
Dani's lip is bleeding. Hank's got a cut or two. But they're both in one piece.
Dani: Your car -- I'm sorry.
Hank: No, no, it's alright...
PULL BACK to see a hundred pieces of paper whipping from the car. HIS MANUSCRIPT. It's everywhere.
Dani: What's that?
Hank: Nothing. It's nothing.
INT. KAREN & BILL'S PLACE - NIGHT
Mia climbs into bed. Slides a Kinko's bag from her backpack. Dumps out Hank's manuscript. Cracks page one and starts to read... what is now, the only copy...
OVER AND OUT:
END OF SHOW
Source : leethomson.myzen.co.uk.
