Episode 305
“Slow Happy Boys”
Written by Tom Kapinos
Directed by David Von Ancken
PRODUCTION DRAFT (5.11.09)
CALIFORNICATION
EPISODE 305 “Slow Happy Boys”
CHARACTER LIST
PRODUCTION DRAFT
5/11/09
HANK MOODY ……………………………………………………………… DAVID DUCHOVNY
KAREN …………………………………………………………………………..NATASCHA MCELHONE
CHARLIE ………………………………………………………………………..EVAN HANDLER
BECCA …………………………………………………………………………..MADELEINE MARTIN
MARCY ………………………………………………………………………….PAMELA ADLON
SUE COLLINI …………………………………………………………….......KATHLEEN TURNER
JACKIE …………………………………………………………………………...EVA AMURRI
DAISY …………………………………………………………………………....CARLA GALLO
MIKE ZLOZOWSKI …………………………………………………….......KEVIN CORRIGAN
WALTER COLLINI ……………………………………………………........STEPHEN ROOT
TRANNY ………………………………………………………………………...SUZANNE ELISE FREEMAN
BUSTY BLONDE STRIPPER …………………………………..............DIANA TERRANOVA
STRIPPER ……………………………………………………………………....HEATHER CHADWELL
WWE-SIZED BOUNCER ……………………………………………........TIM SITARZ
CALIFORNICATION
EPISODE 305 “Slow Happy Boys”
SET LIST
PRODUCTION DRAFT 5.11.09
INTERIORS
LAX AIRPORT - BAGGAGE CLAIM
KAREN’S PLACE
RUNKLE HOUSE
- BEDROOM
- MARAT
- CHARLIE’S OFFICE
- COLLINI HOUSE
- SCREENING ROOM
- PLAYROOM
- FASTER PUSSYCAT
- HANK’S PLACE
- HANK’S BEDROOM
- BATHROOM
- DINING ROOM
- BECCA’S BEDROOM
- LIVING ROOM
- DIRTY BLACK PORSCHE
EXTERIORS
- COLLINI HOUSE
- VENICE BEACH
- LAX AIRPORT
CALIFORNICATION
EPISODE 305 “Slow Happy Boys”
DAY BREAKDOWN
PRODUCTION DRAFT 5.11.09
DAY ONE - Scenes 1-6
EVENING ONE - Scene 7
NIGHT ONE - Scenes 8-13
MORNING TWO - Scenes 14-20
DAY TWO - Scene 21-22*
NIGHT TWO - Scene 22*
DAY THREE
Scene 22* - 23
*Scene 22 is a DAY-NIGHT-DAY MONTAGE.
FADE IN:
1 INT. LAX - DAY 1
HANK and BECCA wait at the gate. Hank enduring the sullen treatment. Boarding is announced. Hank rises. Tugs Becca to her feet.
Hank: Off you go, young lady. Into the wild blue yonder.
Becca: Great. Maybe I’ll get lucky and my plane will explode in midair.
Hank: Thank you for that lovely image.
Becca: You’d be sad.
Hank: That I would.
Becca: For sending me against my will.
Hank: I don’t get it, Becs. What could possibly be so awful about visiting the woman who pushed you through her magnificent vagina? In New York City. In the fall, no less. You’re gonna step off that plane into a Woody Allen movie. I’m pretty jealous right now.
Becca: Chelsea has Lakers tickets.
Hank: You hate basketball.
Becca: You’re missing the point. It’s a killer scene.
Hank sighs, defeated. He hugs and kisses his daughter goodbye, but it’s somewhat akin to handling a wet rag doll.
Hank: I know you’re in there somewhere, baby girl. Have a safe trip.
Not much of a response from Becca. He watches as she surrenders her ticket and sulks onto the jetway.
Hank: (Muttering to himself.) Come on... look back. At least once. Then I’ll know you still love me. Please, God, just give me a sign from on high.
Finally, just before she rounds a corner and disappears from sight, she looks back. Well, scowls is more like it. But it’s enough. Hank waves and grins like an idiot.
Hank: That’s right! That’s what I’m talking about!
Hank’s happy rain dance takes us all the way to MAIN TITLES.
2 INT. LAX - BAGGAGE CLAIM - DAY 2
Hank comes down an escalator. Headed for a baggage carousel. His phone out. Making a call.
Hank: Okay, she’s up, up and away...
Intercut with:
3 INT. KAREN’S PLACE IN NYC - SAME 3
Karen: Great. Can’t wait to get my hands on that little peanut.
Hank: Don’t be too excited. She hasn’t been very pleasant lately. Kind of a little shit, actually.
Karen: Stop. Don’t poison the well. We’re going to have a great time, she and I. I’m sure of it.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 2.
Hank: Okus-dokus. Just you wait and see. Something wicked your way comes.
Karen: Wish you could’ve come with.
Hank: Me too. I’m not looking forward to this weekend.
Karen: Hank. He’s your best friend.
Hank: Was. I haven’t seen the guy in years. Calls me out of the blue. Wants to come visit. Says he has something important to tell me. Kinda weird, no?
Karen: Whatever. Just have fun. You’ve been pulling Daddy Duty for months now. Retreat into the man cave. Have yourself a lost weekend.
Hank: I can do that.
Karen: I know you can.
Hank: Call me when she lands. Give her a kiss for me.
Karen: With pleasure.
Karen hangs up. So does Hank. He looks around... Whereupon he is suddenly TACKLED. And mock butt-fucked, too. His assailant is none other than his best buddy from childhood, MIKE ZLOZOWSKI (40s), an Irish-Polack from workingclass Long Island. Henceforth known as ZLOZ.
Zloz: Moody! You handsome motherfucker. I just had to have me a piece of that ass. How the fuck are you, buddy?!
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 3.
Zloz pulls Hank to his feet. Tugs him into a mammoth embrace. Hank gives Zloz a serious once-over.
Hank: Jesus, where did that plane come from? 1987? You look exactly the same. And that smell... cigarettes, booze and Drakkar Noir... takes me right back.
Zloz: What about you? Ya look like halfa- fag in that smoking jacket, but you smell pretty much the same -- like a cock dipped in shit.
Hank looks at Zloz with a mixture of horror and bemused affection.
Hank: It’s good to see you, Zloz. Been a long time, my friend.
Zloz: Yeah, and whose fault is that? Who never comes back to the Island? Fancy book writer Hank-fucking- Moody, that’s who.
Hank: What can I say? They won’t let me back. I divulged too many small town secrets, named too many names.
Zloz: Well, here I am, man. I finally made it. LA, man. L-fucking-A.
Hank: So what’s going on? You sounded pretty mysterious on the phone.
Zloz: Later. There’s plenty of time to shoot the shit. First I wanna see Britney’s vertical smile.
Hank: I’ll have to check the schedule. I don’t think she’s showing this week.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 4.
Zloz: Then I wanna act like a millionaire and get properly ‘faced with my best buddy in the whole wide world. Whatta ya say?
Hank: I say we shoot for the moon. And if we only make it halfway there, so fucking be it. Still better than working for the man...
Zloz: ...and dying less than five miles from where you were born. Mr. Amato. 11th Grade English. Words to live by. Come on -- let’s get fucking ossified. Off Hank, feeling the collision of past and present...
4 INT. RUNKLE HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY 4
CHARLIE is atop MARCY, pumping away with youthful abandon. He achieves fruition. At the same time she does, actually. Charlie rolls off. A moment as they catch their breath.
Charlie: (Winded.) Wow. Simultaneous cummage. That never happens. Like ever. It must be a sign!
Marcy: Not so fast, Runkle. We’ve thrown each other a few bangs. So what? Just a couple of lonely hearts coming together to make the night a little less cruel. In the whole scheme of things, don’t mean shit.
Charlie: But it’s morning. We just had morning sex.
Marcy: Don’t be dense, Charlie.
Charlie: I’ve got an idea.
Marcy: I’m scared.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 5.
Charlie: Go out with me.
Marcy: What?
Charlie: Go on a date with me. See if you enjoy yourself. We’ll leave sexy time out of it.
Marcy: I don’t know, Charlie. Sounds kinda gay.
Charlie: Come on. Do you have any plans tonight?
Marcy: Just me, the TiVo, and a big hunk of dark chocolate.
Charlie: Omar’s coming over?
Marcy: I’m being literal, ya fuckin’ dunce.
Charlie: Shit, I think I was nibbling on that last night. Finished it.
Marcy: Stop your grazing, asshole. You’re eating me out of house and home.
Charlie: Come on. Sue Collini’s throwing a party at her place. I have to go. Be my date.
Marcy: Isn’t that going to be weird?
Charlie: Why, because I had relations with her?
Marcy: That’s so gross, Charlie. I’m throwing up in the back of my throat right now.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 6.
Charlie: This from the girl who was recently discovered playing Amistad in this very room.
Marcy: Well, can’t say I’m not just a wee bit curious to see where that broad calls home.
Charlie: I know. Me too. So... Marcy Ellen Runkle... will you go out with me?
Marcy: Shut up and eat my clam. I’ll think about it.
Charlie disappears under the sheets. Marcy smiles.
5 INT. MARAT - DAY 5
Hank and Zloz at the bar. Zloz taking it all in. He’s a long way from home and he’s feeling it.
Zloz: This place is fucking fancy, man.
Hank: Yeah, compared to... what was that fucking dive called...?
Zloz: Mr. Beery’s? How the fuck do you forget Mr. Beery’s? I was just there last night.
Hank: You do not still hang out there.
Zloz: Sure do. Along with half our graduating class. Every time I walk in, it’s like a fucking high school reunion. Whatever. Keeps me from beating the kids and eating a shotgun.
Hank: How many kids now?
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 7.
A beat. Zloz thinking this is something Hank should know. He leaves it alone. Waves the BEAUTIFUL BARMAID over with his index finger.
Zloz: Three. Which is three too fucking many, lemme tell ya. (To Beautiful Barmaid.) Hey, I made you come with one finger. Imagine what I could do with the rest.
Beautiful Barmaid rolls her eyes, annoyed. Hank winces, embarrassed.
Hank: Jesus, Zloz. That old chestnut? Stand down, buddy. (To Beautiful Barmaid.) My apologies. He’s sick in the head. On a weekend pass from the asylum. Another round, m’lady?
She goes. Hank slaps Zloz upside the head.
Hank: What’s wrong with you?
Zloz: What? I’m sorry! Smokin’ hot bitches everywhere you look. What’s the move here?
Hank: The move?
Zloz: Yeah, they seem like a bunch of stuck-up cunts.
Hank: Good opening line. See how that works out for you.
Zloz: You still pulling a ton of ass?
Hank: I do okay.
Zloz: I got my dick wet first. Remember that shit.
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Hank: Fucking your first cousin doesn’t count, turd-fondler.
Zloz: Sure it does. Pussy’s pussy. Being inside it is all that matters.
Hank: You should meet my agent. You two would get along famously.
Another round of drinks arrive. Hank reaches for his wallet. Zloz beats him to the punch.
Zloz: Fuck you. I got this.
Zloz throws a twenty down, turns away. Beautiful Barmaid shakes her head -- not quite enough. Hank covers the rest. Mouths “Keep it.”
Zloz: I feel a little under-dressed in this joint.
Hank: That’s ‘cause you are. You look like a fucking landscaper.
Zloz: I am a fucking landscaper. Own my own company now, thank you very much.
Hank: Hey, good for you.
Zloz: Yeah, whatever. Not quite the same as getting paid to make shit up for a living.
Hank: Which is a lot harder than it looks. Trust me.
Zloz: Right. God, I’d love to have that chick sit on my face before I die.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 9.
Hank: You’re talking a big game over there, cowboy. Like you’d ever cheat on Kim. How’s she doing?
Zloz: Yeah, that. That’s what I wanted to tell ya. We’re through.
Hank: What?
Zloz: It’s over. We called it quits.
Hank: What happened?
Zloz: We got in a fight. Things were said. Household appliances were thrown. I got in the car. Hopped on a plane to LA. Mind if I crash on your couch for a while?
Hank: Fuck, yeah, I mind. I’m raising a daughter, numb-nuts.
Zloz: How is Becca? What is she now? Fifteen? Sixteen?
Hank: You’re not going to do any better, asshole. Kim is beautiful. I used to beat off to that girl almost every day in high school. You were my hero when you nailed her.
Zloz: Yeah, well... how does the saying go? For every beautiful girl, there’s a guy bored of fucking her. Come on, let’s do something already. Where’s the party?
Hank: What party?
Zloz: Somewhere out there, there’s a party.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 10.
(MORE)
And there’s a blonde with big tits just waiting for me to bang her. Call your agent. Isn’t he paid to make shit like that happen? Hank chuckles, pulls out his phone, dials...
Hank: You don’t know my agent.
6 INT. CHARLIE’S OFFICE - DAY 6
Where a cheerful Charlie is just getting off the phone.
Charlie: Great, we’ll meet you guys there. Looking forward to it. Any friend of yours. I’ll see what I can do about the blonde. With big tits, right. See ya, buddy.
He hangs up, collects his stuff, ready to leave for the day when lovely adult film ingenue DAISY appears in the doorway. A very busty Daisy, in fact. Recently boob-jobbed. Smiling.
Daisy: Hey, you.
Charlie looks, lights up...
Charlie: Hey there, porn star...
Big hug. Charlie reacts to the enhanced breastage, impressed.
Charlie: Wow. Your boobs. They’re really big.
Daisy: I know, right?
Charlie: So that’s what my last ten grand looks like, huh?
Daisy: You can touch ‘em if you want.
Charlie: Really?
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 11.
ZLOZ (CONT'D)
Daisy: Sure, you paid for ‘em. Feel me up, citizen.
Charlie makes a meal out of fondling the fakies. Approaches them from every conceivable angle.
Charlie: I knew you’d come back. Sooner or later.
Daisy: You did?
Charlie: Yeah, I said it, remember?
Daisy: Oh right. When I broke up with you. You were all like, “You’ll be back! They all come back! Sooner or later!”
Charlie: Exactly. And here you am be.
Daisy: Here I am be.
Charlie: The thing is, Daisy... much as I look back fondly on our little afternoon in the sun... I don’t think I can go back there. Trying to mend fences with the Mrs.
Daisy: Aww. You two are great together. Good luck with that.
Charlie: Thanks.
Daisy: Okay, so two things.
Charlie: I’m all ears.
Daisy: Eyes, Charlie. Look in my eyes.
Charlie: Sorry. They’re just so very big.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 12.
Daisy: I’m getting married.
Charlie: Holy shit! Who’s the lucky guy?
Daisy: Ronnie Praeger. The director. Remember him?
Charlie: Sure. Who could forget the visionary helmer behind Vaginatown?
Daisy: We’re doing a new one. A musical. Little Anal Annie. It’s an homage to...
Charlie: Annie. Right, very clever. Wow. So you’re doing porn again?
Daisy: Yeah, I’m just really good at it. And I get to sing, too.
Charlie: Well, congrats. I guess.
Daisy: Thanks! I think it’s gonna be fun.
Charlie: What was the other thing?
Daisy: The other thing?
Charlie: Yeah, you said there were two things.
Daisy: Oh, right. Yeah, so I’ve been making the rounds, informing my partners about the various STDs I’ve contracted. Nothing too crazy, mind you -- nothing lifethreatening or anything -- but you might want to get to the doctor and have him whip up some kind of cocktail to help fight it off.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 13.
(MORE)
Daisy: Because lemme tell ya -- this is some really pernicious shit. My vagina looks like downtown Baghdad right now. Charlie feels a sudden wave of nausea.
Daisy: Charlie, are you okay?
Charlie: I think so. I’m just a little dizzy. And clammy. Do I feel clammy to you? Is that how it starts?
Daisy: Shit, I gotta get going. Ronnie and I are registering at the Crate & Barrel down the street. We’re sending you guys an invite, you know. You better come.
Charlie: Sure, if I’m not in a syphilitic coma by then.
She gives him a sweet little kiss and goes, leaving Charlie unsure whether he should weep or vomit.
7 INT. COLLINI HOUSE - EVENING 7
Hank and Zloz wander into the Hollywood party of your cinematic daydreams. It should feel like we’ve stepped into another era. A sweet spot somewhere between 1979 and 1985.
Zloz: Fucking-A. This is some serious Scarface shit right here.
Hank quickly finds Charlie and Marcy in the crowd.
Hank: Runkles... I want you to meet the almighty Zloz. My best friend from the Island of Long.
Zloz: Mike Zlozowski. Nice to meet you guys. Thanks for taking good care of my boy.
Ad-libbed greetings are exchanged. Zloz says to Hank:
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 14.
DAISY (CONT'D)
Zloz: So this is your Ovitz?
Hank: If by Ovitz you mean the man who does absolutely nothing to improve my professional life and only serves to amuse me, then yes, this is my Ovitz.
Charlie: (To Zloz.) Let me ask you: was he always such a prick?
Zloz: Always. It’s a disease, really. I had to hand him his ass on an almost daily basis.
SUE COLLINI greets them, martini in hand...
Collini: Welcome... Hugs and hellos and whatnot.
A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR cruises up alongside Collini. A handsome, well-dressed older man. Somewhat erudite.
Wheelchair Guy: This must be Runkle. I see what you mean. Great head for helming.
Collini: I’d like to introduce my husband... Walter Collini.
Looks are thrown between Hank and the Runkles. Hank chuckles and gives Charlie a pat on the back.
Hank: Enjoy yourself, Cap’n.
Hank wanders off with Zloz. Charlie pulls Collini aside.
Charlie: Whoa, hold on a second here. You’re married...?
Collini: Twenty-five years and counting.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 15.
Charlie: I had no idea.
Collini: You never asked.
Charlie: I feel very strange about this.
Collini: Don’t you worry, Runkle. Walter and I have an open relationship. As you can see, he has certain limitations. But he’s a master of the oral arts. (To Marcy) You should give him a try sometime.
Whereupon he wags his tongue and does a fancy little wheelchair wheelie for emphasis. Marcy starts to mutter:
Marcy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home...
8 EXT. COLLINI HOUSE - NIGHT 8
Hank finds Zloz out by the pool, talking to some VAPID CHICK.
Zloz: Is your father a lumberjack? Because whenever I look at you, I get serious wood in my pants.
Vapid Chick walks off. Hank hands him a beer. They clink.
Hank: Nice job, Shecky Greene.
Zloz: To the City of Angels and its stuckup snatch...
Hank: Come on. Can’t we do better than that? Let’s drink to fucking Levittown. From whence we came.
Zloz: I don’t know, Moody. I could get used to this. Fuck, I’ve got some screenplay ideas.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 16.
(MORE)
Zloz: I mean, what’s stopping me from taking this city by storm?
Hank: Me. Just me. I won’t let you.
Zloz: You trying to hold me back? Keep it all for yourself?
Hank: That out there -- that’s a fucking mirage. You’ve got everything you could ever want or need back at home. Trust me.
Zloz: What the fuck do you know about back home? You got out years ago. It’s easy for you to spout some working-class-hero-Springsteen bullshit about the sanctity of small towns when you’re driving a Porsche through the Promised Land.
Hank: You got it all wrong, man.
Zloz: See that broad over there?
Zloz nods out a CALIFORNIA GIRL over yonder.
Zloz: I’m gonna go talk to her. Maybe she’s warm for my form, maybe she’s not. I’m no Marky Mark or nothing, but I’m going down swinging tonight.
Hank: Zloz, I speak from experience when I say that some things are best left a fantasy. Once you cross that line, it’s hard to find your way back home.
Zloz: Hank Moody. My best friend. Trying to save my soul. Let me ask you something. You know any of my kids’ names? Their birthdays. (Off his look.) S’what I thought. Wish me luck.
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ZLOZ (CONT'D)
9 INT. COLLINI HOUSE - SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT 9
Charlie and Marcy find themselves in a verbal headlock with Sue and Walter Collini.
Collini: Who wants to go down to the playroom and make a little movie? We’ve got a camera, a tripod, and a dirty futon.
Marcy: That sounds like a snuff film.
Walter Collini: Nonsense. Runkle, have you ever seen a stag film?
Charlie: I’ve seen my fair share of porn.
Walter Collini: Not porn, you simpleton. A stag film is different. Evokes a bygone era. A better time for sex.
Charlie: I don’t believe I have, Mr. Collini.
Walter Collini: Listen to me. We have something in common, you and I. Something few men share. We’ve both been inside this gorgeous glass of gin over here. You call me Walter. You understand?
Charlie: Okay, fair enough. Walter it is.
Collini: Walter has one of the preeminent stag film collections in the country.
Walter Collini: It’s one of my great passions.
Marcy: What is it you do for a living, Walter?
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 18.
Walter Collini: Look around, my dear. I buy and sell erotic art. That’s what gets this soldier hard. (Off their looks.) Not down there. No sirree. That thing’s about as useful as a piece of string cheese. But my tongue. That’s where it’s at. When I get aroused, all the blood rushes to my mouth. It’s almost better than a penis. It’s a heat-seeker.
He wags his tongue at Marcy, who cowers, grossed-out.
Collini: He speaks the truth, my man does. Although I’m still a penetration junkie at heart. Which is why he’s kind enough to let me shop elsewhere.
Charlie: If you don’t mind me asking, Walter, how’d you end up in the chair?
Walter Collini: This one over here rode me so hard one night she broke my member. It ballooned up. Got all swollen and purple. Like an eggplant. I freaked out, thought I was never going to be able to make love again. So I threw myself off the deck. Broke just about every bone in my body. But Sue Collini -- she stayed with me. Through thick and thin. To Hell and back. I love her madly.
Walter and Sue make out furiously. Marcy elbows Charlie.
They try to sneak away. No such luck. Busted.
Collini: Hey, where do you two think you’re going?
Marcy: We gotta call and check on the kids.
Collini: I didn’t know you had kids, Runkle.
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 19.
Charlie: You never asked. They skedaddle.
10 INT. COLLINI HOUSE - NIGHT 10
Hank is shooting some pool when a flabbergasted Zloz races in, soaking wet, pulling on his clothes.
Zloz: Dude, she has a cock!
Hank: Really? Are you sure? Maybe it’s just an oversized clit.
Zloz: Things were going really well. Too well. We were making out in the hot tub. She said she wanted to tell me something. I thought she had a boyfriend or something. Next thing I know, she guides my hand down to her thin, bent dong.
Hank: So then what? You gave her a handie?
Zloz: Fuck you. I fucking clocked her. Him. Whatever.
Hank: Zloz, you can’t do shit like that. That’s a human being.
Zloz: What the fuck is wrong with you, Moody? Have you been in LA so long that a chick with a dick means nothing to you?
The Tranny enters, loaded for bear. Hell-bent on kicking Zloz’s ass. Hank intervenes.
Tranny: Your friend’s a closeted fucking homo.
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Hank: I’ve been telling him that for years now.
Zloz: Hey, them’s fighting words.
Tranny: Asshole. I thought you knew. And then when I realized you didn’t, I tried to break it to you gently.
Hank: For what it’s worth, I think you’re beautiful. You could totally pass for a lady.
Tranny: Thank you, sweetie.
Zloz: Great, you two should get a room.
Tranny: I think he knew. Deep down. He was looking for a little meat. His sexuality challenged, Zloz does what comes natural -- he
takes a swing.
Pissed, Hank shoves Zloz. They end up in a retard-clumsy fistfight. At which point Collini enters.
Collini: Boys! Enough! There will be no fighting in this house. Love is to be made here. The Collinis are open to all shapes and sizes and sexual preferences. Ignorance will not be tolerated.
Hank: I understand. You’re completely right, Sue. We’re deeply ashamed. Right? Right, Zloz?
Zloz: Maybe you are. (Off his look.) I’m deeply ashamed. That I touched a tranny’s cock.
Collini: Now that we’ve cleared that up, you boys wanna go skiing with me?
CALIFORNICATION EP.305 PRODUCTION DRAFT 5/11/09 21.
She mimes “skiing.” Both hands working a pole. Hank and Zloz look at each other. Exeunt.
11 INT. COLLINI HOUSE - PLAYROOM - NIGHT 11
Marcy drags Charlie into the “playroom”. Collini wasn’t lying. There’s a videocamera on a tripod, and it’s trained on a dirty futon on the floor.
Charlie: What are you doing?
Marcy: All this erotica’s got me all sexedup and shit. You know how I am. The more I get, the more I want.
Charlie: Maybe not tonight, though. Maybe we take a break.
Marcy: Why? Why don’t you want to fuck me?
Charlie: Because this is my boss’s house.
Marcy: So what? Your boss is a stone freak. I think she would very much approve of a quickie happening right under her very roof.
Charlie: I’m also a little sore. Chafed, really.
Marcy: Okay, what the fuck is going on?
Charlie: Nothing. I guess I’m just a little overwhelmed by the whiplash nature of our relationship.
Marcy: Bullshit. You fucked someone else, didn’t you?
Charlie: No way. Never. I’m done with that behavior.
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Marcy: Something’s up with you, Runkle.
Charlie: Daisy came to see me today.
Marcy: I knew it! A woman always knows. So what, you wanna go back to her now? Have some skanky little porno babies? Make up your fucking mind already, Runkle!
Charlie: No, I told her I want to be with you. Only with you. My one true love.
Marcy: And what’d she say, that little tramp?
Charlie: Well... actually... and this is interesting... she said that she had contracted a few STDs. Nothing too crazy, mind you. Nothing a bolus of antibiotics won’t cure.
Marcy: Wow. I seriously think I’m gonna throw up right now.
Charlie: That’s what I said. I think. Maybe I said I was dizzy. Same difference, really.
Marcy really does look like she’s going to puke. She’s doubled over, trying to catch her breath. Charlie tries to comfort her. She comes up for air. Hauls off and PUNCHES HIM in the face.
Marcy: I’m taking your little fucking girl car, Charlie. Don’t you dare come home tonight.
12 EXT. COLLINI HOUSE - NIGHT 12
Hank and Zloz exit to find a distraught Charlie watching Marcy take off in his aqua blue Z3.
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Hank: What’s wrong, Donkey Kong? Where’s the Marce going? (Sees his face.) Jesus. What happened to your face?
Charlie: She punched me. My fault, of course. I think I gave her some VD.
Hank: Of course you did.
Zloz: Shotgun!
They pile into the Porsche. Charlie is forced to wedge
himself into the tiny back seat. Away they go...
13 INT. FASTER PUSSYCAT - NIGHT 13
Absolute chaos. Lights, music, girls galore... all captured by shaky, hand-held cameras. Hank is talking to JACKIE at the bar.
Hank: Hey, do you know any ladies who are more or less a sure thing?
Jackie: You’re looking at one.
Hank: That’s sweet. For my friend over there.
Hank nods at a trashed Zloz, who is enjoying the shit out of a lap dance from a BUSTY BLONDE STRIPPER.
Zloz: (Shouts to Hank) Now this is more like it! You see the tits on this broad?!
Jackie frowns at Hank.
Hank: He’s a really nice guy. Deep down. Very deep down.
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Jackie: This is a strip club, Hank. Not a whorehouse.
Charlie, meanwhile, has a STRIPPER working one leg and a LITTLE PERSON STRIPPER bouncing on the other. He SHOUTS over the music:
Charlie: Be careful, ladies! I think I might have an STD!
Stripper: What’s that, honey?!
Charlie: I think I have an STD!
Stripper: An MP3?!
Charlie: Never mind...
And now we’re with Zloz, who’s in hog heaven. Although he can’t help but ask:
Zloz: Hey, you don’t happen to have a dick, do ya? (Off her look.) No offense or anything.
Busty Blonde Stripper looks at him for a moment, annoyed.
Busty Blonde Stripper: None taken.
She takes his hand and places it firmly on her crotch.
Zloz: Nope. No dick down there. No hair either. Sorry I doubted you, sweetheart. Back to business.
She takes her top off. Big boobs spill out. Zloz is beside himself. Finds himself mesmerized. A moment. Too drunk to stop himself, he dives right in. Like a hungry baby, he latches onto a nipple and won’t let go. Busty Blonde Stripper freaks out and SCREAMS for help.
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A WWE-SIZED BOUNCER is there in no time. Grabs Zloz in a bear hug and heads for the door. Hanks sees what’s going on and throws himself in between.
Hank: What happened? What’d he do?
WWE-Sized Bouncer : He was sucking her titties. That’s not cool.
Hank: Shit, you got that right. (To Zloz) What were you thinking?
Zloz: Hank, they were fucking epic. I couldn’t help myself. She was like Mamie Van Doren meets Samantha Fox. You know what a tit man I am!
Hank produces some cash, tries to smooth things over.
Hank: (To Bouncer.) Look, can we forget about this? You can take the boy out of Long Island... you know what I’m saying?
Zloz: Hey, that’s fucking condescending, you prick.
Hank: I’m not the one who’s still breastfeeding, asshole.
WWE-Sized Bouncer: Forget it. I’m tossing workingclass here out on his ass...
Zloz sees red, takes a swing. The bouncer swings back. Something akin to a western bar fight breaks out. The whole place goes shithouse. Zloz looks at Hank with a crazy grin.
Zloz: You with me, compadre?
Hank sighs and joins the fray...
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14 INT. HANK’S BEDROOM - MORNING 14
Which should resemble David Lee Roth’s hotel room circa 1984. It looks like a fucking bomb went off. And much fun was had. Next to Hank, tangled up in the sheets, SLEEPING BEAUTY. All blonde hair and dangerous curves. We can’t see her face. Hank gets out of bed. Too fast. Puts his hands out to stop the spinning. Courtesy of the night before, natch. He stumbles around the room, looking for something he can’t quite find. Then -- a light bulb moment. He lurches into:
15 THE BATHROOM 15
Where the sudsy remains of a bubble bath are still in the tub. He shoves a hand into the froth, comes up with various and sundry articles of clothing. Tops, bottoms, lacy what-have-you’s. Finally producing his sunglasses. He shakes off the suds. Slides them on. Looks in the mirror. Improvs some kung fu moves. And then it’s...
16 INTO THE DINING ROOM 16
It’s a fucking mess in here, too. Bottles of booze everywhere. A mushroom cloud of cigarette smoke hanging in the air. Hank crosses paths with last night’s Little Person Stripper, who is exiting Becca’s bedroom. She gives him a nod and a wink and heads for the kitchen. Hank watches as she opens the fridge and guzzles some OJ out of the carton. He turns, walks into...
17 BECCA’S BEDROOM 17
Where another stripper is passed out in Becca’s bed. A GNARLY PAIR OF MALE FEET poke out from under the covers next to her head. Hank peeks under the covers down by the girl’s feet. Finds an unconscious Charlie under there. Sporting a nasty shiner. Hank puts the covers back over Charlie’s face. Leaves the room...
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18 IN THE LIVING ROOM 18
Zloz is passed out on the floor. Hank sighs, looks at his old friend with equal measures compassion and disgust. He gets an idea. Goes...
19 INTO HIS BEDROOM 19
Where he shakes Sleeping Beauty. Turns out it’s Jackie. She
wakes up yawning. All sleepy and cute. Smiles at Hank.
Jackie: Morning, teach. Our first sleepover.
Hank: Yeah, wish I remembered a little more of it.
Jackie: Did we take a bubble bath?
Hank: There is evidence to support that theory, yes. (Then.) Can you do me big favor?
20 INT. HANK’S PLACE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING 20
We’re CLOSE ON ZLOZ as he wakes up. Trying to remember where he is and how the fuck he got there. He senses a body curled up next to him on the floor. He looks: It’s Jackie. Sound asleep. He can’t believe his good fortune. He peeks under the blanket. Yep, she’s naked. Even better. She wakes up. All sleepy and cute. Smiles.
Zloz: Did we...?
Jackie: Oh fuck yeah.
Zloz: Wow. Was I any good?
Jackie: The best. You’ve got a great cock.
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Zloz: Good times...
Hank comes out of the bedroom. Yawning. As if he just woke up. Zloz leaps to feet. Runs into Hank’s arms. Big hug. Hank pats his naked friend on the back. Looks at Jackie.
Hank: (Mouths.) Thank you...
Jackie: (Smiles, mouths back.) You’re welcome...
21 EXT. VENICE BEACH - DAY 21
Hank and Zloz play catch on the sand.
Zloz: Fucking beautiful here, man. Takes your breath away sometimes.
Hank: Yeah, it’s one of the perks. That and In-N-Out Burger.
Zloz: I got a question for ya.
Hank: Shoot.
Zloz: How come you never made it to my wedding?
Hank: Shit, I dunno. I was pissed at you, I guess. I didn’t want to see you throw your life away. We had a plan.
Zloz: Yeah. And I fucked it up.
Hank: We were gonna make it out of there. The two of us. Together. I was gonna be a famous writer. You were gonna be a rock star. That’s the way I saw it back then. Black and white. I was an idiot.
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(MORE)
Couldn’t have been more wrong. You did a beautiful thing, Zloz. You stepped up. Married that girl. Had a family. Don’t be a shithead. Don’t throw that away for blondes with big tits and screenplay ideas. A moment.
Zloz: I was really sorry to hear about your dad.
Hank: Yeah, me too. Thanks for the flowers you guys sent.
Zloz: Did you hear Mr. Amato passed away last year?
Hank: You’re kidding me. Guess it kinda proves his theory. Maybe you really do die less than five miles from where you were born.
Zloz: Yeah, they’re dropping like flies back there.
Hank: Who else?
Zloz: (Shrugs.) I get these nosebleeds.
Hank: Nosebleeds? What do you mean?
Zloz: Never thought much of ‘em. Thought maybe it was that big blow phase we went through in our twenties. Finally, Kim makes me go to the doctor. Turns out I’m sick, dude.
Hank: Sick? What do you mean, sick?
Zloz: Sick like I got something I have to deal with sick.
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HANK (CONT'D)
(MORE)
Zloz: I gotta have a shitload of tests. I keep putting ‘em off. That’s why me and Kim had such a fucking blowout. It’s not a good time right now. (Looks around.) I’m really glad I got to see this.
Hank: You’re not gonna die, Zloz.
Zloz: Maybe. Maybe not. Eventually I will. You too. Not even Hank Moody can escape that dude’s fucking clutches.
Hank: We’ll see about that.
Zloz: Whatever happens, it got me thinking about things. How fucking short it all is. How once upon a time we were thick as thieves. Now we’re not. I don’t know what happened. Or why. I just wish I knew the moment it all changed. Because I’d do something different.
Hank: Me too.
Zloz: You were my best friend, Hank. That’s gotta count for something, right?
Hank: Of course it does. That’s the problem with this place, man. It’s not a state. It’s a state of mind. Nothing feels real. Years go by in the blink of an eye. Your past starts to feel like some old movie you saw on TV once upon a time. I never meant to let things slide, Zloz. But I guess I did. Doesn’t change the fact that I miss the shit outta you.
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ZLOZ (CONT'D)
Zloz: Well, it looks like I came a long fucking way to say I miss the shit out of you, too, buddy.
Hank looks away, blinks back some facial moisture.
Zloz: Jesus, Moody, I haven’t seen you cry since Thurman Munson died. C’mere, you silly son of a bitch. They hug it out. End up rolling around on the sand.
Laughing like a couple of kids in the middle of an endless summer.
22 INT. DIRTY BLACK PORSCHE - DAY INTO NIGHT INTO DAY 22
A nice and grainy Bolex montage. A great song. Hank and Zloz in the Porsche. Cruising Sunset. Soaking up LA. Hank giving his friend a crash course in the sights and sounds of the city. Taking us all the way to:
23 EXT. LAX - DAY 23
The dirty black Porsche pulls up to the curb. Hank and Zloz get out.
Hank: Sorry I have to drop you off so early, but I gotta pick up the little monster.
Zloz: No worries. Gives me plenty of time to get loaded and piss myself on the plane.
Big hug. Hank won’t let go.
Zloz: Are you crying again, you fucking faggot?
Hank: Take care of yourself, okay?
Zloz: I will. I promise. And thanks for showing me a good time. What happens in LA... right, brother?
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Hank: Hey, it’s in the vault. (Then.) You think you’ll be able to patch things up with the old lady?
Zloz: Tell ya the truth -- she doesn’t even know I’m gone. She was so pissed at me she went off to Atlantic City with a couple of her girlfriends. For all I know, she made out with a tranny, too.
Hank: You’re a colossal pussy, you know that?
Zloz: Pretty much, yeah. You better come visit sometime. I got a buncha kids who’ve heard a shitload of Hank Moody stories and can’t put a face to the name.
Hank:That’s no good.
Zloz: No, it’s not.
Hank: Yeah, well... I love ya, Zloz.
Zloz: Love you, too, Moody. Ya fuckin’ homo.
Zloz smiles, picks up his bag and goes, disappearing into the terminal. Hank watches him go. But there’s little time for reflection.
All of a sudden, BECCA blows past him. Climbs into the backseat with her bag. Hank sighs.
Hank: Wow. Not even a hello? Good times. Hey, what am I, your limo driver?
Get in the front -- Hank is on his way to the driver’s side when a familiar voice stops him:
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Karen: What, you’re just gonna leave without me...?
Hank looks. And there she is. KAREN. Bag in hand. Smiling. And yes, his heart skips a beat. Or two. Is she a mirage?
Becca: Merry fucking Christmas. Can we go home already?
Without missing a beat:
Hank & Karen: Shut up.
Hank moves to Karen. Pulls her into his arms. She smells like home. Life is good in the Golden State.
OVER AND OUT.
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Source : leethomson.myzen.co.uk
